I am beginning to understand what "mommy guilt" is. I think I have it actually.
When I'm at work, I can't wait to see W. When I'm home, I can't wait to go to bed. I enjoyed my 3 month maternity leave and it seemed like I was always learning something new about W. I'm sure he was learning all kinds of things from me, some good, some bad (if his first words are douche bag ass hat, that's my fault entirely; all other curse words are Daddy's fault).
When I drop W off at daycare, I don't want to leave him. It's not that I don't trust the caregivers, cause I totally trust them. It's that I feel bad that I have to leave. I wish things were different financially. I'm stuck in a job that doesn't pay me what I'm worth and definitely not enough for 2-3 people to live on. T's job is extremely slow at increasing salaries when raises are awarded. I totally picked the wrong career path, but hopefully in a few years I can go back to school and change careers entirely.
Sometimes, I feel bad that I'm not more of an attachment parent. I wish we had used a side sleeper when we first brought W home. He was in crib by 3 weeks of age, which seems to surprise people. He sleeps very well in his crib, but I think having a side sleeper would have been nice. He sleeps pretty well in his crib and it's great because he can move around while he sleeps, which he does.
I haven't really had the opportunity to do a lot of baby wearing, although that was a goal I had while I was pregnant. I have a Moby and Ergo baby but haven't really used either yet. I need to use them. The whole point in getting them was so I/we could go places without the stroller. His father has been a bit overprotective about going out places so we spent a lot of time at home during my leave, which was annoying for me. We had our first social outing September 28, 2013 when we went to a friend's house for a little dinner party. Granted, I have taken W out to meet my co-workers and lunch with Mimzy, Nana and Aunt A, but we haven't gone out much because of Daddy's worries about other people. I think he needs to chillax.
A lot of my "mommy guilt" comes from things out of my control. W has eczema and I feel awful about it. Although I can't prevent it from happening, I can treat it. It runs in my family; Mimzy and Aunt A both have eczema. I have this irrational thought that it's my fault he has eczema. The logical side of me knows it's not my fault but the irrational side is concerned.
I also feel terrible about my breast milk supply. When I pump, I'm not producing enough to keep up with what he is drinking at daycare. I've always had problems with my supply. Breastfeeding has not been very easy. It's been very difficult and painful and there have been times when all I did was cry because it was so difficult. Right now, I'm having the daycare supplement the breast milk with formula; the pediatrician suggested it. He runs out of breast milk so he gets formula. I feel like a failure. Now, I do realize that there are mothers out there who can't breastfeed at all and thinking of them makes me feel worse because at least I am able to produce breast milk and really, I should be thankful and stop worrying. Well, I'm a worrier and I do feel bad for not producing as much as my son needs while he's at daycare. Frankly, there's nothing wrong with formula and he isn't starving or malnourished (in fact, at his 4 month check-up, he weighed 14 pounds 14 ounces and was 2 feet 1 inch long, so he's definitely growing), so I should just accept it and move on. Great advice, but I am a worrier and far too guilt-ridden about a lot of things. I'm one of those people who overthinks everything and because of that, I end up disappointed 90% of the time.
Well, as with many aspects of life, things are going to be OK and work out for the best, but the mommy guilt still lingers. So I wonder, will mommy guilt ever go away? That's a question for another day.